March 24th 2017 at 5:30pm at the Severna Park Community Center.
BEHOLD the pinnacle of culinary contests—a competition so ferocious that the International Olympic Committee was too afraid to call us back when we left a message about getting it into the 2018 games! What other event could inspire great chefs to eschew French, Italian, German, and French cuisine in favor of the great and classic art of sandwichry? Why have so many sworn bun, bap, and hoagie enthusiasts put down the roll to take up the way of the sandwich? Why? Because they are on our mailing list, and we emailed them something like this:
"hi guys omg guess what? it's onnnnnnnn clownz!!!1! we r having a ham sandwich battle and ur goin dowwwwwnnnn! yo our ham is so flavorful the rich peoples FDA approved it for consumption by the top 3% of income earners nationwide!! ! our cheese is so ripe it already has a bachelor's degree in uropean studies!! u mad brah? come on! GREATNESS AW8TS! GREATNESS AW8TS!"
...is what we would have written if we weren't a super professional traditional music production company, but we totally capitalized and stuff and like, had a letterhead. And now we put it to you: will you take up the bread, the ham, and possibly the cheese in pursuit of triangular perfection, or will you fade into obscurity like so many who have never entered a ham sandwich competition? Greatness aw8ts. Will you seize it?
HOW IT WORKS: Each contestant will submit a tray of ham sandwiches as per the rules (see below). A crack panel of experienced sandwich jurists will rate the sandwiches from 1 to x (where x is the total number of entrants) in each of three categories (see below). The three highest scoring submissions will win fabulous prizes (see below).
THREE DELICIOUS CATEGORIES
Most Traditional Ham Sandwich
The ham is an icon of sandwiches and burgers worldwide. Purists argue that a sandwich is only a true ham only if contains specific, time-honored ingredients (sliced bread, ham, and butter), yet school-aged children who prepare their own lunches are eschewing the classical ham in favor of more innovative designs. At this disorienting crossroads of tradition and radicalism, we reflect on the nature of classicism in sandwich-making historically, and for posterity. At the First Ever Severna Park Saint Patrick's Day Ham Sandwich Chilii-less Chili Cook-Off, sandwichists will vie to construct a classic ham we can all agree on, that will fortify tradition for years to come.
Most Triangular Ham Sandwich
Most scholars agree that sandwiches and rolls differ in one chief area: a sandwich is only said to have occurred where meat is pressed between sliced bread, whereas a roll is eaten primarily by people who weren't raised indoors. Recent studies have shown that sandwiches bisected into geometric shapes at once give off a pleasant aroma and are thought to induce conscientious behavior in the consumer. Most sandwichists therefore regard that the perfecting of geometric cuts is an ethical imperative of their vocation.
Ham Sandwich Most Likely to Succeed in Business
Since the late 19th century, sandwiches have shown an increasing tendency toward employment in high-paying jobs. According to a 2009 study, chicken salad sandwiches account for as many as 13,000 workers in the American financial industry alone. Yet historically the ham has lagged behind, solidifying its reputation as the sandwich at the back of the class. The New Century's groundbreaking Not a Crumb Out of Place initiative aims to retrieve the ham from economic uncertainty. One extra point will be awarded in this category for the sandwich with the highest GPA.
PRIZES: Yes, this is a serious competition, and accordingly it will award serious prizes! FIRST PLACE will receive a gift certificate to Brian Boru Irish Restaurant in Severna Park, Maryland. SECOND PLACE will receive a limited edition New Century Official Awesome-Wear (TM) brand t-shirt (est. value: $1,000,000,000). THIRD PLACE will receive a signed print of original artwork by Peter Brice entitled, 'A Portrait of the Ham Sandwich as a Young Man' (est. value: priceless).
RULES: Only one submission per person (multiple submissions per family will be accepted). All sandwiches must include (but are not limited to) ham (or a non-meat ham substitute), bread (including gluten-free bread), and a complement and/or condiment (e.g. cheese, mustard, butter, etc.). All submissions must include at least thirty-two (32) servings or the equivalent of eight sandwiches (i.e. 16 halves or 32 quarters). Servings of any and every size will be considered.