THE NEW CENTURY SWAG BAG
LEVEL VII PROFESSIONAL-GRADE CONTAINMENT DEVICE
IT'S IN THE BAG
Ladies and gentlemen, the New Century is proud to present our universal answer to gift wrap: an excellent little bag! Whatever your burdens, be they small or not-too-large, containing them in this bag guarantees you peace of mind and at least one free hand for a cup of tea.
A SACK FOR ALL SEASONS
Ordinarily in this space, we would describe the THE NEW CENTURY SWAG BAG's many excellent features, but in this case there is no need because a 19th-century French masterpiece beat us to it. Observe:
Jean-Michel's stocking feet carried him from the dank closet where the soft kisses of his mistress stirred the distant memory of his mother slicing mushrooms. "Jean-Michel, where are your soldiers?" asked his mother. "I keep them in my shoe now, mother," he replied. His mother was silent.
The oily waterfalls of the roof gutters splashed across his nose and mouth. He ceased walking. This is where he had met Marienne: at this dim street corner where the Rue de la Rue and the Rue de le Rouge converge like lovers in the embrace of fate. Ah Marienne! There was no woman quite like her: half-woman, half-giant-fresh-water river serpent that lurked amid the urban waste at the bottom of the Seine. His stomach turned as the obligation of fatherhood flexed inside of him. He recalled their latest brood, the unholy offspring of a decorated member of the Légion d'honneur and a hideous fish-beast of legend. Holy carp, what a mustache she had! He clutched his NEW CENTURY SWAG BAG close to his chest, desperate that the bag's awesome power would protect his dynamite long enough to reach her acid-filled stomach.
Wow, that's a lot of responsibility for one little bag! Let's skip ahead and see how it turned out!
Boom! [Sound of Explosion!]
FIN
Uh... Good enough. France is safe for swimmers once more thanks to THE NEW CENTURY SWAG BAG and creative writing! So dear reader, if you or anyone you know is locked in a passionate but ultimately destructive amorous relationship with a monstrously large fish, lizard, or invertebrate beast of legend, be sure to make this little bag a part of your break-up strategy.
FEATURES:
• "New Century American Irish-Arts Company" Brand
• Stretches to contain all but the heaviest burdens
• IRISH-ARTS POWER (TM) Rating of 10.8 (1-10 scale)
• Is not argumentative
• Comes in blue
TESTIMONIALS:
"I used to hand-carry my bowling ball to the alley every day. It was the pits! But then I bought a NEW CENTURY SWAG BAG and started playing the fiddle! Now I play the fiddle!"
—James Fitzmarmoset,
Boston, MA
"For a while, I was wondering why everybody was staring at me behind my back, but when they started asking where I got the awesome bag, I knew they were just checking out my sweet accessories. Still, I wish someone would compliment me on my 6-foot reptilian tail."
—Marjorie Burke
Smithfield, IL
